Paul Walker. Robin Williams. Scott Weiland. Lemmy. David Bowie. Alan Rickman. That guy from the Eagles. Just some of the famous celebrities who have been called up by Jesus into heaven recently (hahahhaha). And those are just the household names; there are literally dozens of lesser known and minor celebrities that have recently died, only that nobody really knows, or cares.
What are the leading causes of death? While some went the ‘non-celebrity’ route by quietly dying of cancer (salute to David Bowie, Lemmy, and Alan Rickman), others went the usual celebrity death routes of fiery crashes in high-end European sportscars (Paul Walker, Ryan Dunn) or the simple method of drug overdoses (Robin Williams, Scott Weiland, Heath Ledger, and many, many, many others). Celebrity death causes are usually pretty standard, people.
Which brings us to the main topic of this post: WHO’S NEXT FOR 2016? WHO WILL THE CELEBRITY GRIM REAPER (A SPECIAL GRIM REAPER WITH HIGH AMOUNTS OF PLASTIC SURGERY) COME FOR NEXT?
Without further ado, here are our Top 3 celebrity death predictions for 2016!
#1 George R.R. Martin – Currently only kept alive by the collective prayers of Game of Thrones fans, George R.R. Martin (henceforth referred to as “GRRM” for this post) has not only crushed the expectations of many fans for a timely release of his latest book, but also crushes many non-industrial weighing scales. The author, who will turn 66, this year, is no spring chicken, and looks to be pushing 300lbs, if not more. Obviously leading an extremely sedentary lifestyle with what appears to be a Popeye’s fried chicken addiction, GRRM’s poor health is publicly visible (unlike the drug addictions of some of other celebrities), which has made it the topic of much public speculation. I don’t disagree, and thus we award GRRM the #1 spot on this list!
Most likely cause of death: Heart attack.
Probable impact of death: Fans of the show who never read the books don’t care, because GRRM had already given a draft of future plots to HBO writers; diehard fans of the books scream in agony.
Preventable measures: Diet and exercise. I’d advise GRRM to begin a basic and simple exercise routine, and to go on a high-protein ketogenic diet (which I am currently on, and source out the cheapest whey protein available on the market today because I’m a cheapskate).
#2 John Hurt – At 76 years of age (or just a couple days shy of 76, at the time of this writing) and with a filmography longer than Lindsay Lohan’s bang list, distinguished thespian John Hurt has been in the game a long, long, time; his first film credit was in 1962! 1962! That’s 54 years ago, for you arithmetically challenged folk. The reason he is on this list is that in addition to his age, he announced in June 2015 that he had been diagnosed with early stage pancreatic cancer. While he subsequently announced in October 2015 that the cancer was in remission, we know how pesky and persistent that little thing called ‘cancer’ can be. And unfortunately that places Mr. Hurt at #2 on our 2016 celebrity death list.
Most likely cause of death: Cancer.
Probable impact of death: Numerous tributes by famous celebrities, filmmakers, as well as numerous tributes on social media about the (dubious) impact his movies have had on their lives.
Preventable measures: Unfortunately, doesn’t look like there are any at the moment.
#3 Burt Reynolds – Our first 80’s action star! Unlike his 80’s contemporaries such as Schwarzenegger and Stallone, Mr. Reynolds has been keeping a low profile for the past few years, with one film credit in 2015, and the one before that all the way back in 2008. It might have something to do with the quintuple heart bypass surgery he had back in 2010 though! He has also had his homes foreclosed in 2011, which may be indicative of financial troubles; never a good sign when it comes to maintaining one’s health. And thus Burt rounds off our list in this occasion at #3.
Most likely cause of death: Heart failure.
Probable impact of death: Numerous people (all guys) reminiscing on how much they enjoyed watching the Death Proof series. Numerous tributes to his moustache.
Preventable measures: A strict diet and exercise regimen. Just listen to your doctor, Burt!
And that rounds up our Top 3 Celebrity Death Picks for 2016! Stay tuned for more!